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Many types of bullying have either stabilized or decreased significantly, but one type of bullying continues to grow: cyberbullying. Cyberbullying happens when kids use technology and online platforms to harm others socially. This type of bullying can often go undetected, as kids find new ways to communicate online and their knowledge of the digital space outpaces adults.
“Physical bullying has significantly reduced, and even verbal bullying has really stayed steady or had some slight reductions in certain states and districts,” says Children’s Hospital Colorado child psychologist Lauren Henry PhD. “But it's the social bullying via cyberbullying that has really, really taken off.”
But the picture isn’t all bad. Dr. Henry says that by understanding why kids bully others and working closely with schools and other caregivers to build a culture of kindness, we can help prevent bullying and support mental well-being.
What is bullying and why kids do it?
Many kids, parents and even teachers struggle with defining bullying and understanding the line between playful, appropriate teasing among friends, peer-to-peer conflict and bullying. Dr. Henry says that defining bullying comes down to understanding the power dynamics at play.
That’s because at the root of bullying is social hierarchy. Kids want so badly to establish their place in the broader social landscape that they might try to push others down the ladder to move themselves up. This makes bullying especially common during times of transition, such as moving from elementary school to middle school or middle school to high school.
Teasing turns to bullying when there’s a power imbalance, Dr. Henry explains. That could be a much older kid putting down a younger one, multiple kids coming together to bully someone, or a neurotypical child teasing someone who is neurodivergent or developmentally different, for example.
In an online environment, this power imbalance is easy to create because many kids can come together against another very easily.
“When we ask why bullying happens, it is overwhelmingly maintained by peer attention, by peer affirmation, by peer support,” she says. “Decades of research have uncovered the impact of bystanders. That is, that bullying rarely occurs without peers present. And the number of bystanders witnessing a bullying incident actually predicts how long the incident will continue. In short, more peers present means more bullying. Online, the number of bystanders is infinite, and our kids are being reinforced with social response at a magnitude that is hard for other generations to even comprehend. With one comment or post, our kids receive immediate social reinforcement of power.”
The cyclical nature of bullying
Parents and caregivers sometimes think of kids as either bullies or victims of bullies. But in reality, most kids are just trying to get their needs met — sometimes in less favorable ways. To add to that, kids who are bullied are more likely to engage in bullying behavior themselves.
“It's not that you're born as a bully or that it’s something that you are overtly taught. It is this complex social dynamic where kids are trying to assert power, feel control and win that peer attention,” Dr. Henry says. “For that reason, the best prevention in protecting your kid from being a victim of bullying is the same as preventing your child from engaging in bullying behavior. That is, modeling and teaching how to access peers through positive, pro-social actions.”
Signs of bullying
Kids don’t always feel comfortable speaking up when they are experiencing bullying. Having a trusted adult, whether that’s a parent, aunt, teacher or coach can help ensure kids feel safe going to someone with their experiences. In addition, you can look for things like:
- Isolation from peers or family, withdrawal from normal activities, loss of interest in activities that used to be enjoyable
- Irritability, changes in behavior
- Negative statements about oneself, loss/decline in self-confidence or self-esteem
- Acting out, especially in younger children
How to address and prevent bullying
Addressing and preventing bullying go hand in hand. Ultimately, it’s about connecting the dots between media use, resources, schools and community. By surrounding children with preventative factors like these, we can create environments where safety and kindness are valued above social hierarchy.
Mental well-being of all involved
Whether your child is being bullied or is engaging in bullying, one of the first things caregivers can do is check in on their mental health. Once you get a sense of whether your child is struggling with their mental well-being, and how severely, you can determine how best to support them.
“If we're seeing a significant change where they're having a hard time getting up every day and they're really resistant to going to school, there's enough concern to consider having an expert in the room,” Dr. Henry says. “Is this one incident that they're going to be able to shake off? Can they talk with a trusted person and get that off their chest and work through it? Or are they going to need some ongoing support?”
Helping kids help themselves (when appropriate)
Dr. Henry says caregivers often feel called to step in and meet with other involved parents or even directly address kids who have been accused of bullying. Before jumping to this measure, she says it is best to pause and understand the context of the situation as fully as possible.
“That helps a parent know what conversations they need to have with their kid,” Dr. Henry explains. “But as parents, we're not always going to be in the room. We're not always going to be able to step in and save our child or pull them out of distress.”
Once we have the full picture, Dr. Henry says it’s great to encourage your child to have conversations and help them understand how they can help themselves in situations like these.
She models what these conversations might sound like: “Yes, if we need to go and talk with the school administrator or the schoolteacher together, I'm here to support you. Who could you go and talk to first?”
This can be extremely helpful in building up resilience and self-efficacy.
Peer and community support
Because we know that kids bully others to solidify their social standing and that kids who struggle to make friends are most at risk for bullying, helping kids build relationships and community is critical. Parents and caregivers can help kids identify their special interests and show them how to seek community around those hobbies.
“Really encouraging social connection is something that we see in the research as such an important protective factor for kids against bullying,” Dr. Henry says. “We know that kids that feel they have a sense of belonging — whether that's in a school group or in an outside 4-H group or sports team — are less likely to be a victim in a bullying dynamic.”
School policies and media use
One of the key pieces of information about cyberbullying is that it most commonly happens at school. In fact, Dr. Henry says that kids are averaging two hours of screentime during the school day with 85% of it attributed to social media use. When schools enforce cellphone policies, cyberbullying rates decrease.
That’s why the state of Colorado recently passed a piece of legislation requiring schools to adopt, implement and publicly document a policy regarding student use of devices. Dr. Henry is hopeful this law will curb some cyberbullying but notes that it remains important to stay up to date on your child’s cellphone and media use.
Additionally, she says it’s valuable to know your school’s bullying policy to understand how best to support and advocate for your kid if needed. What’s more, parents and caregivers can consider how to help their child’s school build a culture of kindness and empathy, rather than one that rewards bullying. That starts with the adults.
Communication and consequences
When parents find out their child is bullying another, it’s important to consider appropriate consequences alongside education.
“What we know works best is teaching our children what to do, not just telling them what not to do,” she explains. While parents may lean on a consequence that matches the behavior, such as limiting phone use for a bit, it’s also important to focus on what your child is doing right.
“I'll put all of my emphasis on teaching a pro-social way, so finding those actions from our kids that we can reinforce with our praise or with rewards,” she explains. “The negative consequences work for a short amount of time, but the more we use them, the less effective they become. So, we absolutely must focus on praising and giving all our positive attention to things that they're doing well.”
Resources for parents and caregivers
Sometimes bullying reaches levels that parents can’t manage alone. If the bullying your child experiences crosses a line into exploitation, threats or hate crimes, reach out for help. The school team is always an important place to start. Contact your school administrator to understand and support their bullying response process. The included resources below can help parents and caregivers navigate school responses, mental health supports and potential legal actions.
It’s important to remember that a child that bullies another is not inherently bad or mean, and their parents or caregivers are not inherently doing a bad job. If you are unsure how to help your child through bullying, regardless of the role they play, Dr. Henry says there are resources available.
Bullying prevention and intervention resources
National and state organizations and initiatives provide resources for students, parents, educators and others. From tips about how to talk with children about bullying to incident reporting templates for parents, these resources are easy for anyone to navigate. Additional state policy and prevention efforts and resources are shared below.
Featured expert
Lauren Henry, PhD
Child Psychologist
