In the middle of a crowded grocery store, a parent’s voice cuts through the noise. The mistake is small — a bumped display, ignored instructions, an argument between siblings — but the reaction erupts like a volcano. 

“Why can’t you listen to me?” yells the exhausted parent. “This is why I don’t want to take you anywhere.” 

Every parent has moments when stress, exhaustion or frustration leads to something sharper than intended. Shaming can happen in small ways, a tone of voice, a public correction or a negative comment. It can happen in big ways, too — attacking a child’s character, posting about their child’s behavior on social media and more. While the intent is to guide behavior, shame can affect how kids see themselves. Our words matter. How can we make sure our words, discipline and feedback don’t negatively impact our children? 

Marisa Taylor, a licensed professional counselor, explains why shaming can backfire, and shares tips on how to talk with kids and guide behavior with empathy, respect and understanding.

What is shame and why doesn’t it work to correct behavior? 

Shame is an emotion that arises when a person feels that they are bad, flawed or unworthy to their core. A person experiencing shame may describe themself by saying "I am bad" whereas when a person feels guilty, they'd describe the action as "I did something bad." 

Broad public shaming, such as yelling at kids in public or posting about them on social media, becomes more about criticizing the person instead of the behavior. This means kids won’t just feel bad about the action. They’ll also feel bad about themselves. 

“They’re building their identity. Who am I as a person? How do I fit in with the world? That’s going to be impacted by criticism from their families,” Taylor says.

How does shame affect kids’ thoughts? 

When children experience repeated public criticism, it can contribute to increased anxiety and depression, make emotional regulation more difficult and affect self-esteem. Over time, children may develop negative self-talk, including thoughts such as: 

• “I’m not good enough.” 
• “I can’t do anything right.” 
• “I’m a bad person.” 
• “I’m a failure.” 
• “I should have...” 
• “If only I were like someone else.”

“Your words as a parent become your child’s inner monologue. What voice do you want them to hear in their head?” Taylor says. 

Every parent has moments they wish they could take back. But being mindful of how you show up, in moments both big and small, can lay the foundation for a relationship grounded in trust, safety and connection.

Positive discipline, love and praise work best  

Numerous studies show that positive reinforcement is the best way to get kids to learn and change behavior. This works best with established family expectations—meaning everyone in the family understands the rules and consequences.

“If parents don’t have the clarity themselves, they are at risk of reacting in a large manner, really taking their emotions out on the child. That’s not effective,” Taylor says. “It can feel pretty chaotic to a child.”

To maintain a healthy relationship with your kids, consider the 5:1 rule. Spend time praising your kids 5 times more than you’re correcting them. When you notice the good things that they are doing, they’ll want to do more.

How to discipline kids positively  

“We want to catch them doing well. They want to be noticed and recognized. So notice it,” Taylor says. “When there is something to address, the kid still feels safe. They feel like they can trust you, and it’s not going to impact your love for them.” 

We’re humans. We’re going to make mistakes. That’s OK. What isn’t helpful, Taylor says, is creating a culture of criticism at home. Kids shouldn’t be afraid to make mistakes. As a caregiver, you want them to come to you when things are serious. 

“They need to make mistakes,” Taylor says. “They need support, not shame, when it happens.”