Parents and caregivers want their kids to grow up to be responsible, and they might assume it will naturally develop with age — but responsibility isn’t something that simply happens on its own. Responsibility is a learned skill that children develop over time through practice, modeling and guidance. Allie Morford, PhD, is a licensed child psychologist with Children Hospital Colorado's Pediatric Mental Health Institute. She answers some of the most common questions about how to teach and encourage responsibility at home.

What is responsibility?

Dr. Morford describes responsibility as having two main parts. One is being a good citizen — making thoughtful choices, considering others and contributing to society in a positive way. The second is accountability — owning your actions and the consequences that come with them. Together, these qualities form the foundation of being dependable and trustworthy.

When should I start talking to my kids about responsibility?

You can start introducing the concept of responsibility early, even before you have a formal conversation with your kids, through modeling by doing the behaviors you want your child to display. Your kids are starting to watch and learn even when they are young. You can demonstrate responsibility by doing things like cleaning up after yourself, following through on commitments or even feeding the family pet. Around 2 or 3 years old, you can start having age-appropriate conversations about what responsibility means. Be sure to keep realistic expectations for your child’s age.

Should I use chore charts or a rewards system? Do those actually work?

Using a reward system with your kids is perfectly fine. Responsibility is a learned skill, and kids might need some external motivation in the early stages. Chore charts or token systems can help provide helpful structure. The psychology behind it is simple: rewards help kids connect responsible actions, like helping around the house or personal hygiene, with positive outcomes.

A reward system can be anything from earning tokens to sticker charts. Visual tools often work well with younger kids. Some families use tiered systems — they can cash in a few tokens for a smaller prize or wait to earn more tokens for a bigger prize, which can also help teach delayed gratification. The key is giving children choices while reinforcing the connection between effort and reward.

Is it OK to tie allowance to chores?

Allowance can work, but Dr. Morford emphasizes this a personal family decision. The most important factor is consistency, so if you choose to connect chores to money, be sure this is a system you can maintain long-term. One key rule is you never want to take back an earned reward. You also want to make sure this allowance is something extra, so kids aren’t depending on it for anything they need such as lunch money.

Should I require my kids to do chores?

You don’t need to put pressure on yourself to require chores to learn responsibility, but you can set expectations for your kids in your home: “This is what we do as part of our family.” To teach responsibility, it’s best for kids to have room to make their own choices. If they don’t follow through, they don’t earn the reward. That way, they experience natural consequences. Over time, this approach builds independence, resilience, time management skills and problem-solving abilities.

Can I expect my toddler to help clean up?

You can start introducing responsibility on a small scale for younger children. Dr. Morford’s advice is to keep this clear and simple. This could look like asking them to help you clean up the blocks when they are done playing, but it doesn’t have to be every toy they played with that day or even after every time you are done playing. It’s OK to introduce it in small doses.

Do extracurriculars, such as music lessons, help build responsibility?

 Extracurricular activities like clubs, sports or hobbies can help your child build up the skills needed to be responsible. Music lessons can help children practice sustained attention and resilience — sticking with a task even when it’s frustrating. These skills overlap with the persistence and self-regulation that responsibility requires.

Can a pet help teach responsibility?

Yes! A family pet can help teach responsibility and have benefits for your family, but you want to be thoughtful about when and why you are adding a furry friend to your family. You want to have reasonable expectations about what your child can actually be responsible for when it comes to pet care. This could look like a 4-year-old helping to occasionally fill up the food bowl or a 16-year-old taking the dog for a walk around the block one day a week, but the parents will still need to take on the bulk of responsibility.

How do I know if my child is responsible enough for sleepovers?

Sleepovers are a personal family decision. Here are some questions you might want to consider when evaluating if your child is ready for a sleepover:

• Can your child communicate their needs effectively? Can they ask for help from an adult?
• Are they able to complete basic tasks on their own while getting ready for bed, like brushing their teeth and putting their pajamas on?
• Can they put themselves to sleep?
• Can they use the bathroom by themselves? Are they having bathroom accidents overnight? 
• Do you have a plan if your child wants to come home?

Dr. Morford recommends practicing what she calls “brave activities” if your child is excited for a sleepover but feeling a little nervous. This could look like practicing ordering food on their own at a restaurant, so they build confidence that they can be brave even if something feels new and a little stressful.

Ideas for learning responsibility by age group

Here are some age-appropriate ideas for implementing responsible tasks. Dr. Morford’s main advice is to be very specific with your directions so expectations are clear for your child.

Younger children (2 to 5 years old)

• Helping to clean up one specific toy occasionally after playtime: “Please put your blocks in this bin.”
• Helping to fill up the dog’s food bowl: “Please carry the dog’s bowl to the counter so we can fill it up with food.”
• Washing hands by themselves with direction from an adult.
• Starting to learn the basics of brushing their teeth with a small amount of toothpaste. An adult should still help with actual brushing after they practice on their own.

School-aged children (6 to 10 years old)

• Assisting with simple yard work: Have them help plant flowers or rake leaves.
• Understanding how to do laundry: Ask them to help sort clothes after they come out of the dryer or fold the towels.
• Making their beds in the morning.
• Setting an alarm to wake up on their own in the morning.
• Learning how to use the vacuum.
• Starting to take care of basic personal hygiene with more independence such as brushing teeth on their own with occasional checks from an adult, brushing and styling their hair on their own and learning how to cut their own nails.

Pre-teenagers (11 to 13 years old)

• Helping put groceries away or helping shop for groceries
• Helping make breakfast in the morning
• Cleaning up their room: Make sure your task is very specific such as “Please put all your books back on your shelf and make your bed.” rather than, “Please clean your room.”
• Taking the next step in personal hygiene responsibilities as they enter puberty: learning how to shave, put on deodorant and begin washing their face every morning. This is also a good time to introduce the conversation around period hygiene, so they are prepared when they start menstruating.

Teenagers (14 years old and up)

• Cleaning up full room with specific instructions about what clean looks like: “Your bed should be made, your clothes off the floor and all your art supplies put away.”
• Packing their own lunch for school.
• Walking the dog.
• Once old enough, driving siblings to school.
• Mowing the lawn.
• Setting up their own appointments like scheduling their dentist visit or primary care visit.

Should I be worried if my child is not showing signs of responsibility?

Not every child is naturally drawn to responsible tasks. That doesn’t mean something is wrong — it just means they might need more support to learn the skills to be responsible. Remember, responsibility is a skill that is taught, and it is OK if some children may need more guidance and structure than others. Consistency with your reward system will be essential for offering more support.  

Does responsibility change as kids get older?

Yes, and parents shouldn’t be alarmed by fluctuations. For example, a child who once showered daily may resist hygiene during the preteen years. This kind of regression is common and often tied to developmental changes. If you’re concerned, have a conversation with your child, and you can always consult your child’s pediatrician, but know that shifts in responsibility are part of the growing-up process.

Does neurodivergence impact responsibility?

Neurodivergence can impact how your child learns responsibility. Dr. Morford uses the example of a teen with ADHD promising to walk the dog every morning, but they might struggle with time management because of their ADHD. In this example, the parents or caregivers end up needing to walk the dog, leaving everyone feeling frustrated. While the teen’s intention might be there, this might not be a realistic expectation. This doesn’t mean your child is not responsible, it just means there might need to be additional support in place to help them carry out some of those responsibilities. This could look like encouraging them to set reminders on their phone or hanging the dog leash by the kitchen table, so they see it when they come downstairs.

How do I know if my teenager is on track with learning responsibility?

Dr. Morford emphasizes that even when your child is going off to college when they are 18 years old, they are still developing and learning. Here are some questions you can ask yourself to know if they’ve built basic responsibility skills:

• Can they complete a lot of basic tasks on their own, such as showering, making meals and doing their own laundry?
• Have they shown they can effectively problem solve?
• Do they keep going when they are faced with something difficult, even if they struggle?
• Can they ask for help and advocate for themself? Are they showing appropriate risk taking?